


Even When

by Deannie



Category: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-07-21
Updated: 1998-07-21
Packaged: 2017-12-19 06:46:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/880686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deannie/pseuds/Deannie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You were always at my back, Iolaus. Even now, I keep thinking that if I just wait in one spot long enough, you'll find me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even When

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS: for the episode "Descent."

I don't know how long I've been sitting here. Nebula says it's been a couple of days, but it seems like eternity.

Iolaus is dead.

And I killed him.

 

Little-known fact--gods (even half gods) remember their births. And even though it's always been a little hazy, I remember that I've never known a time without Iolaus by my side.

His mother was a midwife, and she came by with him a few days after I was born, to see how my mother and I were. Iolaus was only two, but I think I can remember that he smiled at me. Although maybe it was gas--Iolaus never did know when to quit eating.

I can't believe I'm smiling! But he was like that. It didn't matter how bad things got, or how high the stakes, I could always count on my best friend to make light of it--just for a minute. Just enough to take the edge off without making us all lose our purpose.

He always counted on me to back him up, and this time, that kind of blind faith in me cost him his life. Again. I got him back from the dead once, but I don't know if I can this time.

I don't know these gods of Sumeria. I talk at them, shout at them, but I don't know if they hear me. They probably don't even care. I know my father wouldn't...

I've never felt anger like this. When Deneira and the children... After they were gone, I felt sadness, misery... But never this _anger._ Maybe that's because Iolaus was there for me.

Buddy, I wish you were here for me now.

It's my fault you're not, but I will get you back. I have to--I can't live without you.

Truth is, I've never had to try before. Even when we'd split up, when I wouldn't see you for months... I knew you'd always be there when I needed you.

Funny, with you lying on that slab, I notice how small you are. I have _never_ noticed that before, Iolaus. You were always... a presence to be reckoned with. Even when we were kids...

Remember Serinan? He was the biggest bully in town. I was six, you were eight, and _he_ was eleven. He called me a bastard, and my mother a whore. I could have killed him--even at six, I might have been able to--but you just smiled, walked up to him and said "And what does _your_ mother do every evening?"

Your mouth always did get you in trouble. You seemed to grow a foot at least, and I watched you drop him in the middle of a crowd. He ran off holding his bloody nose, and screaming at the top of his lungs that he'd get you for that. Of course, he never came within a league of you or me again.

One of the many lessons you taught me: Bullies are only bullies until they're bested.

I'll best these gods for you, my friend.

I'll get you back.

* * * - - - * * *

Nebula is probably right. She says I can't just go into the underworld and get him back this time. He's gone, and I have to live with that. But she doesn't know what he meant--what he means--to me. I won't let him go, even if I have to take on all the gods of Sumeria to save him. He'd do the same for me--he's had to come awfully close before.

I'd better pack a couple of things--or not. After all, if I don't come back with him, I may not come back at all.

 

As I pick through this jungle, following Nebula's vague comments and trying to find my way to the door of a very different underworld, I realize that Iolaus and I were always something more than brothers. Something more profound. More intense. I remember my mother looking at both of us in horror after we'd come home from some escapade or other, covered in mud and scratches.

"I'd be afraid for your life, Hercules," she told me sternly. "If it wasn't for Iolaus. He'll always get you out of any scrape you can get yourself into."

I just smiled at her, and rolled my eyes at you, but we both knew she was right, didn't we, Iolaus? You were always at my back. Even now, I keep thinking that if I just wait in one spot long enough, you'll find me. Like that time when I wandered off and got lost... I must have been about four. You hunted for me until your mother thought they'd have to look for _you,_ too. But those tracker's senses you seemed to be born with helped you find me, and I'm pretty sure I worshipped you from then on.

Someone told me once that _you_ worshipped _me._ I thought it was the craziest thing I'd ever heard. How could a man who could whip bullies and bad guys twice his size ever think _I_ was worth worshipping?

It took our time with Jason and the Argonauts to teach me that what I'd always called worshipping was really called love.

 

It always seemed unfair to me that you got hurt more often than I did. I've tried all my life to forget that I'm half god, and whenever I'd see you come out of a skirmish twice as bloodied as I was, it just drove home a truth I didn't want to see.

Like the truth that I got you killed, and I may never get you back...

But with Jason... Remember that campaign into Gaul? We were so young, and I felt so far from home. I remember thinking "It's okay, though, because Iolaus is here." And it was okay--until you took that arrow for Jason.

Bad habit you have, Buddy. Taking shots that were meant for other people is stupid, and irresponsible... and just as heroic as anything else you've ever done for the rest of us.

By the time we found a place to hole up, you were delirious. I sat there, on the floor of a cave whose walls were covered in painted symbols of dying men and beasts, and tried to keep you calm. Jason hemmed and haahed and whispered to the others that he didn't think you'd last the night. But I knew you would. You had to.

Because I loved you.

And at dawn, you woke up silently--just woke up and looked at me with nearly-clear eyes, and smiled.

Lesson two (or two thousand): Love and friendship are stronger than death.

But are they stronger than the gods, Iolaus? Is our friendship strong enough for me to get you back?

* * * - - - * * *

You lied to me, buddy. You taught me that we could beat anything together. You taught me that, no matter what, we'd always be there for each other.

And as I sit here on the floor of Demuzzi's lair, watching him carried on the wave of all those freed souls, I realize how right he was. I let you die--more than that, I made you die. If I hadn't... If we hadn't meant so much to each other, you would never have followed me to Sumeria.

I killed you. I'm sorry. I promise you I'll make sure no one's ever hurt by me again.

* * * - - - * * *

Goodbye, Iolaus. I'll disappear now. Maybe I'll end up back with you someday.

Until then, take care.

I love you.

* * *

 _The End_


End file.
